Troubled Waters
Hello. It’s time to review this day. Time to make a diary entry. It’s midnight. It’s my witching hour. It’s time for me to think about going to bed. Reading some Zohar, writing my diary, and going to bed. Not in that order. That order is a bit scrambled up. Wow, I have something troubling my mind right now. Probably the person I considered the strongest person in my 10 is having some problem with the 10. I don’t know what it is. But I’m completely shocked by it and worried about it. I don’t know what to do about it. I guess I will write something to her. It’s Margosha. You know? She gets along with everybody. She doesn’t fight with anybody. She always gets along with everybody. She comes to every required meeting, lesson, and then some. She’s just completely full of energy. She’s built her whole life and world around BB and studying Kabbalah. And apparently, on I guess it would have been Monday morning, after the lesson, she became angry in a conversation in the 10. I wasn’t there. I haven’t gone to any of the lessons this week. And she said she was supposed to be on duty that day. She said she wasn’t going to be on duty. And she left the meeting. And she has not come to any lessons or any meetings with the 10 since then. She is not reading or answering any messages from anyone in the 10. And nobody that I know of knows really what’s the matter. It’s very unlike her. Miriam told me that even though she is refusing all contact with the 10, she is continuing to do translation because she translates the lessons, parts of the lessons. She translates to Bulgarian. She’s from Bulgaria originally. I also heard that half the Bulgarian group left BB after this congress. I don’t know if Margosha’s upset is connected with that. I’m sure it isn’t helping, but I don’t I really, really, really don’t know. But I’m worried about it. She’s a really good person. She’s a very good-natured person. She’s very good-natured. So I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on with her. But it’s worrying me. I guess I’ll write something to her just because I care about her. I really like Margosha. She’s always treated me really well. She always treats me well. She’s not somebody who I get offended at. Some people in the 10 I sometimes get offended with. But Margosha is not one of them. She’s obviously really upset about something, and I don’t know what it is. Apparently, in the recorded lesson that they watched that day, Rob suggested doing some exercise. And Anya wanted to do it. And I don’t know. The argument started sometime after that. I don’t know. So I’m worried about I’m worried about Margosha. Yeah. Today I got up kind of early. I think I got up at around 10:00, 10:15 maybe. Yeah. Did I get up at 10:15? Yeah, I think I got up at 10:00. And had a shower, got ready to go. And we had to leave by quarter to 11:00. We had to leave to go to Kiryat Ono. Rakhameem had an appointment to get his hearing aid fixed. One of his hearing aids was making some sort of noise in his ear all the time. Even when he was sitting in silence, he could hear strange sounds coming in his ear from the hearing aid. So he had an appointment to go get that fixed. And then I was supposed to go sign my worksheets for the month of May and June. I think I did them for two months. I think it was for the months of May and June. And I had organized and gotten together another pile of clothes that needed some alterations to take to the tailors. I just decided to get all the tailoring done that I’ve needed on all my clothes. So I took another stack of things to be tailored, a bunch of tank tops that the straps are too they’re too long for me. The straps need to be taken up shorter. And I had a couple of skirts that went out too far on the hips. And one skirt that was way too big and too long. I’m having it hemmed and having it taken in. And I don’t know. Yeah, that was about it. And one pair of pants that needed hemming because they were so long, they were just dragging on the floor. They’re so long I couldn’t even wear them. They’re not even close to being wearable the way they are. So anyway, I took a pile of things to be mended and altered at the tailor shop. And we just barely got there in time for Rakhameem to run up to his appointment and go in. And I went to the tailor shop while he went to his hearing aid appointment. And I had to have I had to try on some of the clothes so that they could pin the right places to take things in and adjust. So we did that. Rakhameem finished before I finished. And he came down and met me at the tailor shop. And then after that, we went over to Aroma in the mall there and had breakfast. Rakhameem told me that he didn’t eat breakfast today. I don’t know why. He said he wasn’t hungry, and he thought he needed sleep more. So I knew he was hungry. So you can get a fairly reasonable you can get a big and fairly reasonably priced breakfast at Aroma. So that’s what we did. I have been normally ordering omelets there for breakfast because you can really, you can get this huge, big meal. But today I decided to order shakshuka. So I had shakshuka and a cup of coffee and an Israeli salad and bread with it. It’s quite a big breakfast. And then after that, we walked over to the office where I needed to sign the papers for my work. And we signed those. And then came home on the bus. I kind of wanted to go to the beach, but Rakhameem, I could tell he didn’t want to go. And I thought maybe he was tired because he did go to the morning lesson. He didn’t get a lot of sleep after the lesson before we had to leave. So I was a little worried about making him too tired. So I thought maybe better to not go because I could tell he didn’t really want to go today. So we didn’t go. I came home. And I don’t know. I’ve just been sitting at the computer since I came home mostly. I started watching fashion videos. And then I started trying on clothes. I started playing with my clothes. I played with my clothes for a couple of hours, two and a half hours or something like that, three hours. I tried on all kinds of outfits. I just played with clothes for a long time. And I’ve looked at the news a little bit. I just haven’t done much. To tell you the truth, I’m very tired. I came home from my afternoon out quite tired. I didn’t quite get enough sleep last night. I only got about six hours. I’m sleepy. So that is kind of what I’ve been doing today. I don’t really have a lot to say today. I know that there are some things that I was going to tell about, but I can’t remember what they are at the moment. Starting to feel a little depressed. It’s probably because I’m tired. When I get really tired, I tend to get depressed. This is true. So I think maybe that’s what’s going on with me and why I’m feeling a little down right now. And also the news about Margot. Well, I hope that she doesn’t leave. Hope she doesn’t leave the 10. I just can’t imagine what could have offended her so much. I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t listen to that lesson and try and understand, try and imagine. I don’t know. Maybe it has to do with this roach of the Assyria exercise thing that we’re supposed to be doing. I don’t know. It’s very upsetting. It’s very upsetting. I didn’t go to any of the 10 meetings today. I could have. At 5 o’clock, I was playing with clothes. And I still and I could have gone to the 10 meeting, and I just didn’t do it. That’s really bad. I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know why I didn’t. I just didn’t. I just didn’t feel like it. I just didn’t want to, and so I didn’t. But I felt that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’m sure I wasn’t. I was being selfish. I don’t know. Well, I guess I will close this. If I think of something else to add later on, I will add onto it. But for now, I can’t think of much more that I want to say. I mean, there are other things I could talk about, but I guess I’m not going to bring up any new subjects at the moment now. I’m going to close this and read Zohar and go to sleep, try and get on a better schedule. I think for the summertime, at least, I’m going to try to start going to bed early and getting up and having my mornings because it’s the most pleasant time of the day here in the summer during the hot months. So I think I’m going to try and do that. Anyway, for now, I guess I’m going to say, “See you later.” Hopefully, I’ll be back tomorrow. And if I think of a PS to add to this entry, I will add it. But for now, I am going to sign out.
Always in love and soul devotion
Zohar for Us
419.
אָמַר לוֹ רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר, שֶׁמִּתְכַּסֶּה בּוֹ בְּשַׂר עֶרְוָה טוֹב הוּא. אָמַר לוֹ, בְּנִי, לֹא כָל עֲרָיוֹת שָׁווֹת, זֶה לֹא הִקְרִיב קָרְבָּן זֶה אֶלָּא לְהַקְרִיב עֶרְוָה שֶׁלּוֹ לַה’, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בּוֹ, אִישׁ אִישׁ אֶל כָּל שְׁאֵר בְּשָׂרוֹ לֹא תִקְרְבוּ לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה אֲנִי ה’. וּמַהִי עֶרְוָה שֶׁלּוֹ, זוֹהֲמָה רָעָה עָרְלָה, נְקֵבָה שֶׁל עָרְלָה, אוֹתָהּ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בָּהּ, אָדָם הָרִאשׁוֹן מוֹשֵׁךְ בְּעָרְלָתוֹ הָיָה, וּמַה הִיא אִמָּא שֶׁל עִרְבּוּבְיָה רָעָה, פְּרִי הָאִילָן שֶׁל טוֹב וָרָע, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בָּהּ וַתִּקַּח מִפִּרְיוֹ וַתֹּאכַל, וַתִּתֵּן גַּם לְאִישָׁהּ עִמָּהּ. וּמַה הִיא, לִילִית, מִשָּׁם בָּאִים עֵרֶב רַב שֶׁהֵם מְעֹרָבִים בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בָּהֶם הוֹי גּוֹי חוֹטֵא, שֶׁהֵם זֶרַע מְרֵעִים בָּנִים מַשְׁחִיתִים, עָזְבוּ אֶת ה’, וְאָמְרוּ, אֵלֶּה אֱלֹהֶיךָ יִשְׂרָאֵל לָעֵגֶל. וּמִפְּנֵי זֶה וְאֶל קַיִן וְאֶל מִנְחָתוֹ לֹא שָׁעָה.
419.
Rabbi Elazar said to him, that it covers with it the flesh of nakedness it is good. He said to him, my son, not all nakednesses are equal, this one did not offer this offering but to offer his nakedness to the Lord, of which it is said about him, “any man to all the flesh of his body you shall not approach to uncover nakedness I am the Lord.” And what is his nakedness, evil filth foreskin, female of foreskin, that of which it is said about her, Adam the first was drawing in his foreskin, and what is she mother of evil mixture, the fruit of the tree of good and evil, of which it is said about her “and she took from its fruit and ate, and she gave also to her husband with her.” And what is she, Lilith, from there come the mixed multitude who are mixed in Israel, of which it is said about them “woe sinful nation,” that they are seed of evildoers, children who destroy, they forsook the Lord, and said, “these are your gods Israel the calf.” And because of this “and to Cain and to his offering He did not look.”
420.
וַהֲרֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא נֶאֱמַר בּוֹ וְרַחֲמָיו עַל כָּל מַעֲשָׂיו, וְכָתוּב כִּי לֹא אֶחְפֹּץ בְּמוֹת הַמֵּת, וּמְקַבֵּל אוֹתָם, כָּל שֶׁכֵּן אֶת קָרְבַּן קַיִן. אֶלָּא שֶׁהָיָה רְצוֹנוֹ לְרַע כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר. אֲבָל הֶבֶל הָיָה רְצוֹנוֹ בְּקָרְבָּנוֹ, לְקָרֵב הַשְּׁכִינָה לְאוֹתוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר בּוֹ וְעַתִּיק יוֹמִין יוֹשֵׁב, לְבוּשׁוֹ כַּשֶּׁלֶג לָבָן, וּשְׂעַר רֵאשׁוֹ כַּצֶּמֶר נָקִי, בַּמֶּה, בְּאוֹתוֹ שֶׁהִקְרִיב מִבְּכוֹרוֹת צֹאנוֹ וּמֵחֶלְבֵהֶן. וּמִפְּנֵי זֶה וַיִּשַׁע ה’ אֶל הָבֶל.
420.
And behold the Holy One, blessed be He, it is said of Him “and His mercies are upon all His works,” and it is written “for I do not desire the death of the dead,” and He accepts them, all the more so the offering of Cain. Rather that His will was for evil as it is said. But Abel His will was in his offering, to bring near the Shekhinah to that of which it is said about Him “and the Ancient of Days sits, His garment white as snow, and the hair of His head like pure wool,” with what, with that which he offered from the firstborn of his flock and from their fat. And because of this “and the Lord looked to Abel.”
421.
וּמִיָּד שֶׁלֹּא הִתְקַבֵּל קָרְבַּן קַיִן, וַיִּחַר לְקַיִן מְאֹד. וַיֹּאמֶר ה’ אֶל קַיִן לָמָּה חָרָה לְךָ שֶׁלֹּא הִתְקַבֵּל קָרְבָּנְךָ. אִם תֵּיטִיב מַעֲשֶׂיךָ בְּגִלְגּוּל, שְׂאֵת לְךָ בָּעוֹלָם וְתִתְקַבֵּל בִּתְשׁוּבָה. וְאִם לֹא, לַפֶּתַח חַטָּאת רֹבֵץ. אָמַר רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר, כָּאן לֹא צָרִיךְ לְהִתְכַּסּוֹת סוֹד, מַהוּ שְׂאֵת. וְלֹא בָּאתִי לִדְרֹשׁ בָּזֶה הַפָּסוּק. אֶלָּא שֶׁהֲרֵי שְׂאֵת מַשָּׂא הוּא, וּבַהֲיפּוּךְ אוֹתִיּוֹת שַׁא”ת הוּא אֵשֵׁ”ת. כָּאן רָמוּז שֶׁעָבַר עַל, וְאֶל אֵשֶׁת עֲמִיתְךָ לֹא תִתֵּן שְׁכָבְתְּךָ לְזָרַע, לְטֻמְאָה בָּהּ, שֶׁבָּא עַל תְּאוֹמָתוֹ שֶׁל הֶבֶל. וְזֶה הוּא וַיָּקָם קַיִן אֶל הֶבֶל, קָם עַל תְּאוֹמָתוֹ. וְאַחַ”כ הָרַג אֶת בַּעְלָהּ, כְּמוֹ הַמִּצְרִי, וְסוֹד הַדָּבָר וַיִּפֶן כֹּה וָכֹה, וְנֶאֱמַר, מַהוּ וַיִּפֶן כֹּה וָכֹה, אֶלָּא רָאָה מַה עָשָׂה בַּבַּיִת וּמַה עָשָׂה בַּשָּׂדֶה. וְאֵין שָׂדֶה אֶלָּא אִשָּׁה, כְּמוֹ שֶׁאַתָּה אוֹמֵר כִּי בַשָּׂדֶה מְצָאָהּ. כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר וַיְהִי בִּהְיוֹתָם בַּשָּׂדֶה. וַיִּפֶן כֹּה וָכֹה, הִסְתַּכֵּל אִם הָיָה בּוֹ מִצַּד הַטּוֹב. שֶׁלְּעִתִּים נִפְרַשׁ טוֹב מִן רַע וּמִשָּׁם הֵם גֵּרִים. וּמִפְּנֵי זֶה הִסְתַּכֵּל מִכָּל צַד עַד שִׁשִּׁים רִבּוֹא, וְלֹא רָאָה שָׁם גֵּר שֶׁיּוֹצֵא מִמֶּנּוּ, וַיַּךְ אֶת הַמִּצְרִי.
421.
And immediately that the offering of Cain was not accepted, “and Cain was very wroth.” And the Lord said to Cain why are you wroth that your offering was not accepted. If you improve your deeds in gilgul, lifting for you in the world and it will be accepted in repentance. And if not, at the door sin crouches. Rabbi Elazar said, here there is no need to cover the secret, what is “lifting.” And I did not come to expound in this verse. Rather behold “lifting” is a burden, and in reversal of letters Sha”T it is Esh”T. Here it is hinted that he transgressed on, “and to the wife of your neighbor you shall not give your lying for seed, to defilement in her,” that he came upon the twin sister of Abel. And this is “and Cain rose up against Abel,” he rose up against his twin sister. And afterward he killed her husband, like the Egyptian, and the secret of the matter “and he turned here and there,” and it is said, what is “and he turned here and there,” rather he saw what he did in the house and what he did in the field. And there is no field but a woman, as you say “for in the field he found her.” As it is said “and it was when they were in the field.” And he turned here and there, he looked if there was in him from the side of good. That sometimes good is separated from evil and from there they are converts. And because of this he looked from every side until sixty myriads, and he did not see there a convert that comes out from him, and he struck the Egyptian.
422.
וְאַחַ”כ מַה כָּתוּב, וְאִם לֹא תֵיטִיב, אַל תִּקְרָא וְאִם אֶלָּא וָאֵם. שֶׁהוּא יֶתֶר שְׂאֵת וְיֶתֶר עֹז. לַפֶּתַח חַטָּאת רֹבֵץ. מַהוּ רֹבֵץ. אֶלָּא כִּי תִרְאֶה חֲמוֹר שׂוֹנֵאֲךָ רֹבֵץ תַּחַת מַשָּׂאוֹ. שֶׁהוּא לֹא יָכוֹל לִסְבֹּל עַל כְּתֵפָיו חֹמֶר הַתּוֹרָה. לֹא יָכוֹל לִסְבֹּל עָלָיו עֹל מַלְכוּת בַּגָּלוּת. וְחָדַלְתָּ מֵעֲזֹב לוֹ. כָּאן הֶרְאָה לְקַיִן שֶׁעֲתִידִים לִהְיוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּדֹחַק בַּגָּלוּת, עָנִי וְרוֹכֵב עַל חֲמוֹר, שֶׁיִּהְיוּ כַּחֲמוֹר מַשָּׂא עַל כְּתֵפָיו מֵעֹל הַמַּס בַּגָּלוּת וּמִכֹּבֶד הַמְּלָאכָה. וְזֶה הוּא רֹבֵץ תַּחַת מַשָּׂאוֹ בַּגָּלוּת, וּבְנֵי קַיִן שֶׁהֵם עֲשִׁירִים וַחֲזָקִים בְּמְלָכִים בְּחֹזֶק רַב. וּמִפְּנֵי זֶה אָמַר, הֲלוֹא אִם תֵּיטִיב שְׂאֵת. הֲלוֹא אִם תֵּיטִיב לִהְיוֹת שְׂאֵת לַעֲנִיֵּי יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁהֵם כְּבֵדִים בְּמַשָּׂא כָּבֵד. אֲנִי אֶסְבֹּל לְבָנֶיךָ בָּעוֹלָם, וּמַאֲרִיךְ עֲלֵיהֶם. וְאִם לֹא, לַפֶּתַח חַטָּאת רֹבֵץ. שַׁעַר הַגֵּיהִנֹּם נִפְתַּח, לָקַחַת נָקָמָה מִמְּךָ וּמִבָּנֶיךָ.
422.
And afterward what is written, “and if you do not do well,” do not read “and if” but “and mother.” That it is more lifting and more strength. At the door sin crouches. What is crouches. Rather “if you see the donkey of one who hates you crouching under its burden.” That he cannot bear upon his shoulders the burden of the Torah. He cannot bear upon him the yoke of the kingdom in exile. And you cease from leaving it to him. Here He showed to Cain that Israel are destined to be in pressure in exile, poor and riding upon a donkey, that they will be like a donkey burden upon their shoulders from the yoke of the tax in exile and from the heaviness of the work. And this is crouching under its burden in exile, and the sons of Cain who are rich and strong in kings with great strength. And because of this he said, “behold if you do well lifting.” Behold if you do well to be lifting for the poor of Israel who are heavy with a heavy burden. I will bear for your sons in the world, and I will lengthen upon them. And if not, at the door sin crouches. The gate of Gehinnom is opened, to take vengeance from you and from your sons.