שלום שלום,
diary time. I can’t believe it’s Tuesday; I guess because of the holiday being 2 days instead of 1. Yom Rishon was taken up by Rosh Hashanah, so the week virtually started on Monday, and this is the second day of the week already ending, ending now on Tuesday. I’m going to put on the— My old broken record. It was a hard day for me. It’s been a hard day for me. It’s been a hard day’s night. I’ve been working like a dog, but not really. Ugh. Yesterday. Last night. Well, it happened before, but I didn’t really, like, read the posts. There was a very upset— there was an event that really upset me, and people started posting about it, probably on, um, the second day of Rosh Hashanah, but I didn’t look online that day very much, so I wasn’t aware of it. But yesterday in the morning, looking back, I can recall seeing some of these posts, but I didn’t really read them, and I wasn’t really sure what they were about until yesterday evening when I started reading about this Israeli couple— I guess they’re a couple; anyway, they’re a partnership on a film that’s called, uh, “Natza,” that was, I guess, a kind of a trailer for it, was screened at the Vienna Film Festival. I don’t think the whole— I don’t think the whole film has been screened. Maybe it was. I don’t know. I’m unclear about that. My impression was that people haven’t seen the whole entire film, but maybe I’m wrong on that. Anyway, it is just a propaganda hit piece against the IDF, and propaganda to support the claim that Israel deliberately targeted civilians and intended to cause civilian damage. I guess the implication is as much civilian damage as possible, although that really makes no sense. But, um, that is kind of the premise of the film, though. It purports to be a documentary where 24 supposed anonymous Israeli soldiers were interviewed with their faces blurred, their voices distorted, making these allegations— bad allegations— against Israel and the IDF. But none of it is supported. No names are given. No evidence is supported. There’s nothing to really even prove that these weren’t 24 actors. There’s no proof that they are indeed actual servicemen. It’s just a propaganda piece, is what it is. But something about it is just deeply upsetting. I guess partly that the directors of this film are Jews, Israeli Jews. That’s part of it. That they’re complete and total hateful traitors. I guess that’s really upsetting. And for some reason, this film, when it was presented at this film festival, this Vienna Film Festival, received— it got, like, the Jury’s Choice Award. It won a prize there. It got the Jury’s Choice Award. And it received the directors, a guy named Yuval Avram, and— I forget the girl’s name— Szor, something Szor. I forget what her first name is. Rachel Szor? I don’t remember her first name. The posts about it are everywhere, so it wouldn’t be very hard to— it won’t be very hard to find out. That’s her name. Every other post is about this. I don’t know. Why can’t I think of her name? I am super tired. I slept like crap last night. Just a second. Let me see if I can find it. It’s just going to bug me until I find it. You would think by now I would be able to find it. Just because I’m wanting to find it, I can’t. Even though I’ve seen a lot of pictures of them, I haven’t seen their names. Well, maybe on my timeline. Who knows? Maybe I posted something. Rachel Szor. It is Rachel. Anyway. They’re very, very toxic people, and they’ve done a very horrible thing.
They have done great damage to Israel and great damage to Jews all over the world. They’re very terrible, hateful people. I guess that they come out of the Jewish people is upsetting, number 1. And I think the topic they did this, you know, it is a documentary about October 7th and the Gaza war, but it completely leaves out October 7th. They don’t deal with, you know, the reasons for the war, why Israel is at war. They leave out, you know, it’s just intended to smear Israel and, and, uh, the IDF. It’s completely intended to smear Israel and the IDF. That’s its whole intention. They chose— they chose to ignore the most important facts about the situation and about the war, in an attempt to make Israel and the IDF look like genocidal and immoral and barbaric and horrible. I mean, I don’t know. On the one hand, if I stand back from it and just look at, okay, two people did— made this really horrible film. These two Israelis made this really horrible film. And maybe it did propaganda damage to Israel. I mean, of course it did propaganda damage to Israel. But on the one hand, like, well, so what? Why is that so deeply upsetting? Because it’s deeply upsetting to me, and not just to me. I mean, I think the majority of Israelis are absolutely furious about this. Absolutely furious. Just completely enraged with this.
I think that it just opened a very deep wound. This country is so wounded psychologically, emotionally wounded, completely traumatized. This is a traumatized nation. And the actions of these two has just, you know, like, scratched that wound open. And people are, you know, all the pain of these 3 years, all the pain of the loss that this country has suffered, just untold loss. Not just the innocent people who were murdered on October 7th, but all the soldiers who have died in war since, all the men and women that have been in reserves for years now, the families that are— that have struggled, the, the north that was evacuated for more than a year, years, the south, the Gaza envelope that still isn’t fully, uh, repopulated after all that happened. I mean, this was just, like, an enormous trauma for this country. It was a huge, enormous trauma for this country. And the actions of these two filmmakers have just ripped open that wound, and people are— I think all of the pain and all the suffering is just funneled into fury and rage at the actions of these two traitors. And I will call them traitors. They are. I’m not the first person to call them traitors, but they definitely are traitors of the worst kind. They’re traitors of the worst kind. They’re despicable people, and there’s been an enormous outpouring of rage at what they’ve done towards them, their film, their documentary. And, I mean, Israelis aren’t furious with the anti-Semites in Vienna at the film festival or anywhere else in the world any more than usual, but that these two Israelis betrayed the country in this way. They’re just furious. And I’m furious at that. So when I discovered that last night, I discovered what was happening. I just— it sucked me in. I could not stop reading about it. I could not stop looking at social media and looking for articles about it and reactions to it. And even though it was kind of like the same thing over and over again, I was just sucked down by it, you know? Meaning that I could not get my mind on anything else, and I could not tear myself away from it. And my, my emotions, it just— I don’t know. You know, it angered me, but it also just allowed this really heavy feeling of depression to well up inside me. And it’s just engulfed me. It engulfed me all last night and all day today. I still didn’t recover from it. I’ve just been depressed. I am depressed. I can understand why. I’ve just heard that since October 7th, 120 IDF service people, soldiers, have committed suicide. I understand them. I mean, I didn’t see face in front of my face like they did, you know, the whores, but my computer window into Gaza, I saw the whores of Gaza. I read the most horrendous accounts you can even imagine. I saw the GoPro videos that were coming out the first few days before they could scrub them all off the, the, uh, internet. I saw those things. And I’ve seen things since. And, you know, we’ve all lived it, you know, not only of the loss, not only the pain and the loss. There were, like, I think more than 3,000 people at the Nova Festival. 3,000 people. And, you know, I guess about a tenth of those were murdered. A tenth of those people were murdered by Hamas. But every single one that survived that wasn’t murdered is traumatized. And each one of those murdered and each one that survived from Nova, each one of those people has a, you know, a wife or a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, mother, a father, brothers and sisters, and friends. You know, the whole country was affected. All the young people of this country were affected by the Nova massacre. And then there was the whole massacre of the communi— the Gaza envelope communities. Each one of those people have relatives other places in the country, you know? It’s not like these are isolate. So when you count, like, oh, there were 1,200 murdered on October 7th, the impact is so much huger than the 1,200 murdered. There are all the soldiers killed, and, and all the people injured, bodily injured and emotionally traumatized. It’s a huge footprint in this country of trauma and loss and pain. And we’ve been at war, you know, for 3 years since then. I mean, it’s a little— it’s calm, you know, now, but there are still soldiers fighting in Lebanon and in Gaza. The fighting isn’t over. The war isn’t over. It’s just on a low boil right now. There have been families without a parent at home for months on end. There have been kids who couldn’t go to school for weeks on end. We’ve been through missile barrages the first few months of the war with Gaza. We were under daily barrages of missiles from Gaza, and then Hezbollah, and then the Houthis, and then, you know, we had Iran, and then we had Iran again, and then we had Iran again, and then Israel attacked Iran in June of, I guess it would be ’24, ’25, June of ’25. And then again, we had another war with Iran in April of ’26. These things are major traumas, you know? When your country’s at war with a powerful country like Iran, shooting these gigantic ballistic missiles at your— armed with cluster bombs at your cities. I mean, it’s, it’s frightening. It’s traumatizing. This country has been through hell these past 3 years. I mean, I can’t even put it in— I can’t even begin to put it into words. I can’t even begin to put it into words. I mean, how many holiday celebrations have we had in the past 3 years where not every member of the family was able to attend because they’re at war? Even Rosh Hashanah this year, one person isn’t there because he’s at war. Pesach, a guy wasn’t— Rachamim’s son wasn’t home because he was at war. Both of Rachamim’s sons were— even Ziv, who’s not a professional soldier, was in reserves. I mean, it’s just— and it’s not like a unique family. Rachamim’s brother’s son, Rachamim’s nephew, Noam, was almost killed in Kissu Fame, with his mother and his sister. Their house was hit by 2 RPGs. Their kitchen, the, the countertop, the black granite countertop, was pulverized into dust by an RPG. And their living room. His other brother, Nativo Sarah, and his wife, you know, like, 1, 1 kilometer from the Gaza border, you know, holed up in their— holed up in their safe room with a pistol while 15 people in their little village were murdered. I mean, this is just Rachamim’s family, you know? Luckily, nobody was killed in the family by a miracle, but not everybody, not everybody escaped deaths in the family. So many people have died. I don’t know. It’s just really a traumatized country. And something about the actions of these two snakes, traitors, has just ripped that wound open again. And all the pain and all the loss and all the sadness just comes flooding out, comes flooding back. It’s just been very, very hard. I mean, it’s really like— I’m surprised how depressed I am from this. And I’m sure I must not be the only one. It’s just, you know, being betrayed by family, you know, being betrayed by Israelis. What could be worse? You know, it’s— yeah, we know we have enemies, but being betrayed by our own is something else. It’s just— I hope they do. There’s talk that they’re going to try and take— remove their citizenship. I hope they do remove their citizenship. I hope they’re never allowed back in this country. Nobody wants them. We don’t want them. They don’t deserve to be in this country. They deserve to lose Israel since they hate it so much, since they only want to destroy it. Let them go. I don’t know. I don’t know who wants them. I’m sure some sucky European country will take them in. I think my thing stopped working. I need to pause it. Testing, testing. No, it’s not working.
Oh, now it’s working. I lost a bunch. I lost a bunch of what I was saying, but I was just really— I was just saying, really, how depressed I have been by this. Even to the point where I, I relate to the feeling of wanting to commit suicide, you know? I don’t have a plan, so I’m not, like, on the verge of suicide or something, but there definitely is a feeling of wanting, you know? It’s— there’s something about it that’s just so— the heaviness of it all, the despair of it all, the hate, the enormity of it all, the weight of it all. It just— it’s hard to want to go on with all of that. So anyway, I’ve been really depressed. I’ve had a very hard day. I’ve— and when I get like this, I have almost— I have almost no energy to do anything. I want to, but I can’t. I didn’t go to bed until, like, after 7:00 in the morning. I just could not stop looking at all of this. So it’s been really, really a hard, hard day for me. And of course, when I’m tired, when I’m upset, then I can’t go to sleep. And when I’m short on sleep, that just increases my depression all the more, and it’s harder for me to recover and easier to be more and more and more depressed. So it’s just been a really hard day for me. I don’t think I’m quite over it yet. It’s just really ripped open the whole trauma of the past years. And everything is still hanging over us. Everything is still hanging over us. The war with, with Iran, all of it, you know? Jeez, the people, the betrayal. Betrayal by Trump, betrayal by the US even, you know? Israel is so, so moral. Tries so hard. Overall does such an excellent job and receives nothing but betrayal. It’s just— it’s almost unbearable. It really is. It’s tough. It’s really tough. So anyway, I don’t know. That’s what’s been going— that’s what’s been going on for me last night. And today I intended to read the Zohar last night, and then I fell into all of this stuff. And I intended— and then I, I also had a lot of, I don’t know, I wouldn’t say, like, problems, changes, changes, and kind of like I was consumed a lot with stuff with my tan in the afternoon yesterday. We’re having so many meetings. Our afternoon is full of meetings. There’s a meeting now at 1:30, another meeting at 3:00, another meeting at 5:00, another meeting at 8:00. I just feel like I don’t have, you know, I don’t have any time to myself, you know? It’s just— I don’t— I don’t like that. I, I don’t like it. I don’t know. I’m trying, you know, I’m trying to keep my commitments. I’m trying to— I’m trying to do my thing, but it’s very, very, very, very hard for me. I didn’t get out at all today. Yesterday, before all this fell on me, I did get into the sun and did have a little walk up to the store and back. But since, since, I don’t know, falling into this depression, I, I haven’t even gone out. I haven’t gotten any exercise. I’ve just really gone down the drain. I’ve been drained down, drained down into an ocean of depression. The ocean of depression. It’s really sad. I know that sounds very dramatic, but really, I’m surprised how traumatized I am. I’m really a traumatized person. I just have to— I just have to admit it more and more, that when I just get immobilized like this, it’s out of depression. I really hope I’m going to be able to get out of it. Like, everything feels impossible to me now. It’s really, really awful. Yeah, it’s been really hard. So I guess we really are in the end of times, you know? The end of days. I don’t think humanity has much longer. Either the Moshiach will come, or humanity will be virtually wiped out, if not totally wiped out. And the Jews, we Jews, we are in the bullseye. We are the bullseye. Israel here, we’re the bullseye. And it’s, it’s not easy being in the bullseye, you know? It’s just not easy. These have not been easy times. And Jews are resilient. Israelis are resilient, but it still takes a toll. We’ve been through a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of really hard stuff, and it does take a toll. And the treachery by this couple has just brought it all back, kind of focused it all, you know? It’s kind of— I don’t know. We need— we need love. I guess we need love, but we aren’t going to be getting any. We only have each other. That’s all we have. We’re not going to be getting any love from outside, that’s for sure. But it is hard, and it does take a toll. So anyway, that’s what’s been going on with me today. I wanted to, you know, I, I want to say a lot more. I want to be different. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be energetic and full of ideas and full of new things to say and full of stories to tell about interesting things that I’m doing and accomplishing. I just don’t have any of that today. I don’t have any of it today. Not at all. I am probably going to post this diary entry and, and go to bed. I need to get some sleep. That will be one thing I can do to help myself, is to try to get some sleep, because I’m at my worst when I’m sleep deprived. That really makes me all the more depressed and everything bad. So I need to get some sleep. I’m going to try to get some sleep, and I’m going to hope for a better day tomorrow. Maybe I need a plan. I need a plan. It was hard for me today, I, to make a plan, because I, I was hoping to go out, but then I found out I was on tan duty, and we have meetings every two hours, so it just seemed hard to go out. What with my mood and what with, you know, having to be in all these meetings. So it was just— it was hard. Anyway, maybe tomorrow I can set some goal to my— for myself. Maybe I can go to the beach tomorrow. I haven’t been to the beach for a couple of weeks now. Maybe it would really do me good to go to the beach and be in the sun and the wind and get this water and sand on my feet. Yeah, that would probably be good for me. A change of scene. Maybe I’ll go wander around Yafo. I’ve been wanting to re-explore Yafo. It’s been a long time since I really walked around Yafo. I don’t think I’ve really walked around in Yafo, um, during the war. I mean, I walk down to it, but I don’t really, like, go into the streets of it. And I don’t know. I’ll— I maybe I think I would like to do that, maybe take a few pictures. That— maybe that would be fun for me. Maybe that would be good for me. Anyway, this is me today. I, I, uh, I notice in the reactions to this situation that it’s not diaspora Jews, by and large, who are upset by this, but the Israelis are terribly upset by it. Yeah, it’s— it’s even like the diaspora Jews don’t really understand how it feels to Israelis, I guess, people who have gone through this whole three years of war, October 7th, and these years of war. It has a lot more of a— it’s a lot more of a knife in the heart for, for us than people who haven’t lived it, lived through it on their flesh. I just noticed that most of the— most of the posts, most of the reaction is written in Hebrew. I would say 80% of it. Some of— there’s some in English. There’s a lot in English too. There’s a lot of reaction to it. But the majority of it has been Israeli. We are a traumatized people, and how— I don’t know how we heal. How will we heal? That’s what we need. We need to heal. How will we heal? Rachamim’s sons have been at war. Rachamim’s brother and nephew were almost killed in the attacks on October 7th. Rachamim’s— both of Rachamim’s sons have been fighting in the war. One of Rachamim’s grandsons fought in the war. And all the cousins have been in the war, a bunch of them, you know, like three generations, you know, directly affected by this. It’s really hard. What’s the best way to get out of a depression? I need to know. I know for me going out, getting sleep and going out in the sun and toward nature is usually really good for me. So maybe that will help. I will try that tomorrow, I hope. Anyway, I guess I better say Lailatov. And, um, Visrat HaSham. We’ll do better tomorrow. I read the Zohar from last night just before I made this diary entry, but it— the post of that Zohar writing was on yesterday’s diary post. I’ll put a new one tomorrow morning, and maybe I’ll get to it, hopefully. We’ll see. I hope so. I will try. Anyway, I send lots of love, and, uh, yeah, we’re, we’re super needy. We would appreciate any kind of support and love and kindness sent our way. We’re definitely in need of it, but we’re not counting on it. We know we can’t count on it, but we— that doesn’t mean that we’re not needy. We are needy. So anyway, take care, and Visrat HaSham. I will be back tomorrow.
Always in love and soul devotion.
